SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize