woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
try to milk me bitch
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