I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
