i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
