I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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