I will die if light touches me.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
