I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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