when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
