Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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