Your mouth is God's brothel.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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