I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
