I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize