i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
