i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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