I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
