You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize