I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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