um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
