Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
