I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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