So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
