she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
