"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
