Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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