I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
