Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
