I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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