I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
