dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
