The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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