we're chasing vodka with high fives
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize