I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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