Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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