Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Can you bring me the toilet please
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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