dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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