I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
