I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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