laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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