I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
