You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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