I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
