i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
