all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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