i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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