2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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