He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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