are you still at the devil's house?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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