last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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