you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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