I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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