He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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