I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
