someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
