um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
