I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
