the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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