i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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