Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
