2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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