im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
