When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I am one with the molecules
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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