He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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